Changing “I love you, but…” to “Because I love you”

Last week was really chaotic.  I am adjusting to life as a mother of three and have already had the experience of dealing with 3 sick kids all at once.  Yes, though Julia is just shy of four weeks old, she has already had her first illness shared, no doubt, by the gracious coughs of her big sisters.  Hence the absence of a post last week.  And the ridiculously cluttered home I am sitting in right now.  And the topic of this blogpost.

As I found myself just trying to provide for my family on a survival basis (meaning getting food on the table at regular intervals), I also discovered I had developed a new catch-phrase, “I love you, but…”

“Mary, I love you, but Mommy can’t play right now.  I have to make dinner.”
“I love you, Colette, but Mommy needs some quiet time right now.”
“Jon, I love you, but I can’t talk right now.”

By the end of the week the phrase was comfortably rolling off my tongue with little thought.  And it was clear that despite my attempt to reaffirm my love, it was being received as, “I love you so long as you leave me alone!”  Somehow it seemed acceptable to me to declare my love as a reason to be excused from actually putting that love into action.  In the midst of trying to just get by on minimal sleep and the bare necessities, I had forgotten that it was because I love them, I needed to be making greater efforts in the difficult times to express it.  Yes, there are certain leniencies that my family graciously allows and yes, providing for their physical needs is an expression of my love, but clean laundry says little to a 4 year old, 2 year old, and 3 week old.  And if that laundry comes in the way of enjoying one of those rare warm winter days, then the only emotion that is evoked is resentment.  I can tell my husband I love him, and hope that he sees it through the lunch that I threw together while bouncing a crying baby, but truly he will know it when I take the time to just listen to him talk about his day.

Love is about sacrifice.  We see it expressed best when it was not easy for the giver to love, when it cost something.  It is what makes a good romance- when someone continued to love when it hurt.  It is why Christ’s death means so much to those that understand it.  But too often it is when it starts hurting that we hide behind the words of love to slack off on the actual act of it.  “I love you, family, but I am just too tired to show it.”  I do not want my husband and my children to look back and question my love for them because though they heard about it frequently, they may have difficulty actually seeing it.

How frequent our love becomes rote memorization- Get the kids dressed, make breakfast, clean it up, do the laundry, make lunch, clean it up, change a diaper, clean the bedroom, make dinner, clean it up, tuck in bed, kiss, and “Good night, I love you.”  (Run out the door with a sigh of relief that your job is done)  I could do it with my eyes closed… or at least with several children screaming at me!  And because it is so routine, somewhere love can get lost by the viewer and the giver forgets to actually put the love into it.  

And let’s not forget, “Our Father, Who art in Heaven…”  So it goes with the life of a Christian- go to church, sing a song, attempt to listen to the sermon, sing another song, remind God that you love Him, and drive back home.  (Run out the door with a sigh of relief that your job is done)  How often are we telling God, “I love you, but…”

“God, I love you, but I would rather sleep in today than spend time in prayer with you.”
“God, I love you, but I don’t want to sacrifice my comforts to show others your love.”
“God, I love you, but I like things the way they are so don’t ask me to change.”

“I love you, but…” says little about love.  It is precisely what John cautions us against in 1 John 3:18, “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”  It is applicable in all of our relationships, including our relationship with God.  How do we express our love for God instead of just being takers of what He freely gives?  How do we change our life from being an “I love you, but…” declaration?  By confessing in truth that we have failed to love in action and saying, “Because I love you…”

“Because I love you, God, I will spend time with you in prayer.”
“Because I love you, God, I will sacrifice my comforts as you have called me to do to show others your love.”
“Because I love you, God, I will seek your love through difficult times when I don’t understand the changes that are going on around me.”

And let’s not forget to change our interactions with our family from “I love you, but…” to “Because I love you.”