Sunshine Denied

Yesterday was a beautiful day… outside.  Inside, it got kind of ugly.  I had every intention of spending as much time outside as possible.  As required for the sanity of the entire household, Mary was placed in bed for nap in the afternoon.  Colette and I worked on school work and some household projects, all the while taunted by the sunshine flooding through the windows.  Mary kept sleeping.  It had been two hours of Colette patiently waiting for the moment she was given permission to burst out into freedom and fresh air.  “Mommy, can I pleeeeease just go outside by myself?” she finally pleaded.

I responded gently, sympathetically, assuringly, as nicely as I possibly could break the news that we would have to wait until Mary woke up so that I could go out with her.  Apparently it did not matter how I informed her.  She exploded.  “You don’t even make any sense!  I don’t think you’re my real mom!”  I was dumbfounded and caught off guard. I calmly informed her that she was not allowed to talk to me like that and told her she would have to stand facing the wall until she was ready to discuss her feelings in a friendlier fashion.  She did not respond well to that.  It lead to another string of hurtful words.  “You don’t even love me!” she accused, “I don’t think you even want me!”

Never has she said anything like this before.  I wondered where her words came from.  Did she really feel this way?  And I cried at the thought that a child I had spent the last 4 years loving and serving could possibly feel this way.  When she calmed down, I told her that it was because I loved her that I could not let her go outside by herself at the risk of danger.  But how do you tell a child that you are protecting them from dangers you don’t want to have to explain to her exist?  There are evils of this world I am not ready to reveal to her, so I keep her under safe shelter until I feel she is ready to hear that not all people have her best interest at heart, as her mommy does.  What she is ignorant of is precisely an evidence of my love, but to her, it seemed a blatant demonstration of a love that was lacking.  How could a loving mommy deny a child the very thing that she pines for and finds pure bliss in?  I know the logic is beyond her.

Is God’s logic beyond you?  How often have you found yourself doubting the love of a Father who has laid down His life for you because you have been denied something you have longed for, prayed for, even begged for?  As a parent, we often find ourselves in the precarious position of following through with a decision that we know has an eventual outcome of betterment for the child, but in the meantime causes the child sorrow.  We cling to that cliche “someday you will understand,” and hope that someday, they will.  But we live in fear of those words uttered in the heated moments; we worry that the child, in ignorance, will doubt our love.

There are moments in our life when we will feel like we have dropped out of the realm of God’s love.  It will feel like He is purposefully denying us of pleasures and we cannot comprehend what good can from it.  Like a child, we are often so consumed by our desires that we cannot view the greater work at hand.  All Colette could see was sunshine and happiness when she gazed longingly out the window, unaware of the many harms from which I need to protect her.  And as a mother, it is my job to ask for her trust, when I cannot explain to her why I do the things that I do.  It is my hope that I spend enough time demonstrating my love in understandable ways, so that she can trust in that love when she does not understand.

In the very moment Colette was doubting my love, I was exercising it.  In love, I could not appease her desires, knowing that it could lead to harm.  Do you trust that your God knows a lot more than you do?
God asks us to trust when we cannot understand.  He will not always choose to explain why He allows some suffering in our life or denies some pleasures.  True faith is exposed in those times.  Faith is having hope in that which is unknown.  Philippians 4:7 promises, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  What this means is we can and should find peace in God even when we may not understand the trials we are facing.  We forget that we are children of God, in need of parenting by Our Heavenly Father.  Be still and know that He is God.