Blogging to Bless

A blinking cursor can be a very discouraging thing.  Especially when you have been staring at it for two weeks.  Blink.  Blink.  Waiting for the words to come.  Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  You become entranced with the blinking.  It drains any valuable thought.  Minutes pass.  Blink.  Type, type.  Delete, delete, delete.  Blink.  Sigh.  And then someone is crying or needs attention or needs food and you reluctantly pull away, knowing that tomorrow you will return… to the same blinking.  One can only hope that the blinking will be fought back with inspiration.

Two weeks.  The book was begging to be written.  In my mind, it is already done, but there was some sort of traffic jam between head and fingers that was not letting anything come out on paper.  And I started feeling… discouraged.  Wondering.  Maybe this was not what I was supposed to be doing?  Dinnertime was catching me by surprise everyday.  Bathroom sinks were piling up with a thick film of toothpaste.  Laundry was anywhere but neatly folded in drawers.  Life was still beckoning and the cursor kept blinking, as if it was reminding me with each blink, “time is ticking.”

We have all been there- that moment when the idea fades from being great to intangible; the moment when you feel not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough; the moment when you settle for life as-is instead of could-be.  I have been hanging out in that mode for two weeks.  I have been praying and trying and pressing on, but struggling the whole way.  And I couldn’t quite figure out why I was feeling this way.  When I first started getting the book out on paper, I was functioning at maximum capacity and closing out the day with success and feeling on top of the world.  We’re talking- house cleaned, dinner cooked, laundry done, homeschooling completed, writing goals met everyday.  And then the slump hit and I couldn’t get anything but the bare necessities done.  It seemed that if I couldn’t write, I couldn’t do anything else.  I bounced from task to task feeling discouraged.

I’m a “why” kind of girl.  At the point where most toddlers grow out of that stage of asking why every two minutes, I got stuck.  I have been wondering why I have been feeling this way for two weeks and knew I couldn’t move forward until I pinpointed an answer.  Was I not really supposed to be writing a book?  Was it natural to have two weeks of writer’s block?  Was it because the kids had been sick and I was overtired?  Was it because I was having guilt about doing something outside of serving my family?  Was God trying to tell me something?

He was.  I heard it loud and clear today.  He told me that discouragement was not from Him.  If you are feeling discouraged, that does not come from God.  God is an encourager.  All through the Bible He is saying, “Yes you can!” while the Moses’s and Jonah’s and Peter’s are going, “I don’t know, God.  I don’t think I’m the guy for the job.”  So it suddenly became evident to me that if I was feeling discouraged, it was because another force did not want me to accomplish what I had set out to do.  And if he was trying to discourage me, it must be because he was afraid of what I might accomplish in God’s Name.  In other words, I must be doing something good!  If I was just spinning my wheels with no chance of bringing glory to God, he would not care to discourage me.  In fact, the devil does not waste his time on someone who is not walking in God’s Will because that is right where he wants you to be.  It is the ones who are actually following God that he wants to mislead.

So if you are feeling discouraged, consider it to be a sign that you are heading in the right direction!    “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.”  Romans 5:2-5  

Colette has been walking since she was eight months old.  She has always had great comprehension and fine motor skills.  When she puts her mind to it, she can follow direction to minute details.  However, when asked to return a toy to her bedroom, she has this mysterious affliction that suddenly turns her legs to rubber.  And then her arms become affected too and they flop around as if her nerves are spasming and she has no control over her body.  The wailing is even more convincing.  “I can’t do it!” she cries, defeat and disappointment displayed on her face.  My heart aches as only a concerned parent’s would.

Oh wait… she’s faking.  She doesn’t want the responsibility of cleaning up her toys so she pretends to lack the abilities required to carry out the task.  I am certain most parents can relate.  This seems to be a handy little form of trickery every child is taught in that secret class they all take- “Toddler 101- How to Terrorize your Parents.”  I am beginning to be convinced we do not grow out of the habit either.

Though I have received compliments on my writing, I have always graciously declined any reference to it being a gift from God.  It seemed shameful and conceited that I would claim my writing was good, much less call it worthy of God.  Recently my views have changed.  This is not opportunity to boast, as I still find much of what I write undeveloped, trite, and contrived, but I have suddenly viewed myself as a child floundering on the floor claiming lack of ability to shirk spiritual responsibility.  My efforts to be humble were actually clothing for laziness, perhaps defiance.  

God has provided me with an ability to write because He intends me to use it for His glory.  To pretend that I do not have this gift, has caused me to squander it away for other purposes, or to not use it at all.  So I have finally committed to writing a book.  For those of you that have known me for a long time, please withhold the groans.  I have been an “aspiring” author my whole life.  Thirty years with nothing produced, outside of this blog.  My motivations were shamefully wrong, and thus failed me.  I daydreamed about my book displayed on the shelves of Barnes and Noble.  Worse, I imagined speaking at the annual Dogwood Festival of my hometown, Dowagiac, MI, which has seen literary greats such as John Updike, Alice Walker, and Tim O’Brien.  I was fame and fortune seeking.  I was also uncommitted and uninspired.

This time it is different.  It is not my desire any more.  God has placed it on my heart that I am to do this in service to Him, without regard for the results other than it is in His plan.  It may never find its way to a publisher, but I know that I am writing it for the purpose of at least one person, if not simply as an act of obedience on my part.  It is no longer my talent, my glory, my will, but His.

I am reminded of the story of the Parable of the Talents, so fittingly named.  In Matthew 25 Jesus tells a story about a rich man who leaves three of his servants in charge of a large sum of money, called a talent (equivalent to over a thousand dollars).  Two of the servants doubled the money by “putting it to work” , but the final servant dug a hole in the ground and hid it so that nothing was gained when he returned it to his master.  I have buried what God has called me to multiply.

I ask that you keep my act of service in your prayers, as I often feel discouraged and am easily distracted with my day to day responsibilities, but I feel very certain that God would not require of me something He has not equipped me to do.  Time I dug up my talent and put it to work for the glory of His Name!

My children tend to be pretty sloppy eaters, despite much coaching at each meal.  “Mary, stop dissecting your sandwich and just eat it!”  “Colette, if you pick up your spaghetti with your hands one more time, you will be all done eating!”  Sometimes only seconds have passed since saying grace, and someone has peanut butter in their eyebrows. You get the picture.  However, feed them something sweet and suddenly there is not a morsel left behind.  Upon investigation, one could surmise a meal of spaghetti and green beans had been consumed, but there would be no evidences of cookie.  Colette will literally lick a dessert plate clean if not under watchful eye.

Undoubtedly, their sweet tooth is a recognizable trait of their mother’s.  Having grown up in a family of seven, sweets were treasured and evenly divvied to avoid fighting.  My sister, Melonie, and I still lament the day M&M’s did away with the tan M&M as we would receive 2 of each color at candy time, and this meant two less.  My eyes have had years of training to accurately determine which glass has more pop and which seventh of the Milky Way bar is actually bigger, though my mother went to great lengths to make sure they were all the same size.  I also developed a handy knack of plotting my day around coveted food items.  A box of Golden Grahams has 8 servings.  Given we were each allowed one bowl of cereal in the morning and there were 7 of us, you can be certain that I was an early riser the following morning lest I be stuck with Wheaties.

When seeking inspiration for a blog post this morning, I found myself reading the story of young Samuel sleeping in the night and hearing his name called.  He went to the priest Eli, with whom he lived, several times, before Eli told him it must be God calling him.  Samuel waited for God to call out to him again, and received a prophecy regarding Eli’s sons.  Originally I thought the inspiration for this Scripture was in that storyline, but the verse that follows is what lead me to describe my family’s eating habits.  1 Samuel 3:19, “The Lord was with Samuel as he grew up, and he let none of his words fall to the ground.”

My initial interpretation with this verse is likely incorrect.  My original thought was that it described Samuel’s value for the Word, hence my thoughts on how my children are so careful with the food they value.  But as I investigated further, it appears that it might be referring to Samuel’s gift of prophecy and how what he testified to, came to be.  Regardless, the thought of gobbling up God’s Word, letting none of it go to waste, is biblically sound.  Are you careless with that nourishment?  Or is it a sweetness that leaves you seeking more?

Too often I think we are willing to accept the notion that God’s Word is archaic or too difficult to understand or apply.  It washes away the guilty feelings one may have for not reading it.  But we cause ourselves malnourishment of the spirit when we feed on the “sweetness” of this world and neglect the fruits the Lord has prepared for us.  Isaiah 55:10-12, “As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.  You will go out in joy and be lead forth in peace…”  What a picture this paints!  Budding and flourishing, seed and bread, and joy and peace.  All for the one who will devour it.

When I was pregnant with Colette, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes.  I was 172 pounds at the start of the pregnancy and though I thought I was a relatively healthy eater, I struggled with my weight.  The diagnosis lead to a better understanding of the affects my daily food choices have on my health and how I generally feel.  After overhauling my relationship with food, I can easily identify overindulgence or imbalanced diet as factors in my energy and mood.  I feel so much better now that I understand the nutritional needs of my body.

Our spiritual health is no different.  What does you diet consist of?  Are you indulging in movies, music and tv shows that leave you spiritually lethargic?  Are you bloated with negativity, anger, and sorrow?  Perhaps it is time for a spiritual diet.  Fill up on the bread of life and the everlasting water, and you will be surprised how little you will desire the “food” of this world.

Sometimes I feel like there is some sort of plug between my brain and my hands that stops up the flow of words swimming in my brain that are trying to get out on paper.  My blog entry from last week, “Moving Mountains,” was actually a river of emotion that had been dammed for several weeks before I could express it.  In layman’s term, I suffer from frequent “writer’s block,” but I am more convinced God is behind it.

I have often humbly considered and hoped that God has worked through this blog.  As a member of the Blogger community, I am able to view statistics regarding the number of reads my blog gets.  Of specific interest to me, I can see internet word searches that landed on my blog.  A number of times I have blogged about a topic and discovered searches with that specific content in mind, made within hours of posting, that are guided to my blog.  In these moments, I feel very certain that God intended me to write for that individual.

It was weeks ago that I began to feel like a burdensome mountain in the way of God’s work.  It was so evident to me that it was preposterous how difficult I found it to reflect the thought on paper.  Writing is all about release for me; an idea seems to grow in my head, budging room for the thinking that is necessary for daily functioning until I free them on paper and find myself able to think again.  Yet, the words would not form with many a revisited effort.  So I left the inspiration tucked in my draft folder, a folder I very rarely reopen.  I am a one-draft kind of girl as proofreading assuredly leads me to believe that my writing is garbage.

So there the mountain-of-an-idea sat for several weeks in my draft box, while I blogged away about other topics.  One day while reviewing the traffic sources that lead to my blog, I was very sobered by the word search hits for that week- “Has God seen me in eternity?,” “Shame of sin, unworthy of God’s love,” “Do we have miracles in everyday life?,” and “Why do I struggle with doubt in Christ?”  My heart felt weighted by the thought that these people were seeking God on the internet, and a blog that I wrote might be a chance at finding Him.  Who were they?  Where were they?  What lead them?  And most heavily I considered, “Why me?”  Why did God lead them to me?  And had I sufficiently assured them of His grace and love?  To think that I have taken this blog lightly at times…

Suddenly, the mountain started moving.  I typed away at my thoughts of standing in the way of God’s work in me and through me.  I confessed that I feel there are often deep roots linking my behind to a chair, making me a more sturdy mountain than Everest.  The idea was released and my mind set free as I clicked the orange “Publish Post” button.  An hour later, God revealed just the kind of work He can do in moving mountains- two people had searched the topic “moving mountains” and landed on my blog.

What my blog did or did not do for these people, I will never know.  What I do know is that God works through the offerings of His children when those offerings have been made according to His will.  My “two cents” offerings may not seem like much value to this world, as I am not an acclaimed writer or an educated theologian, but as a mere housewife, God can take what I offer in my writing to touch the heart of a reader and make it invaluable, only because He is behind it.

That power is in you, too.  God has equipped you to make offerings in His Name that will do immeasurable good to the soul of another.  It may be disguised in the simple- a hug, a word of encouragement, a warm meal- but given in His Name, it has the power to be miraculous.  Don’t consider yourself to be a miracle-worker?  Take a step in His Name and see where it leads you.  

I believe God can move mountains, figuratively and literally.  In Christian jargon, mountains often depict the looming problem that is preventing us from getting to the other side; that land of success and happiness we all long for.  Faith leads us to prayerfully ask God to move the mountain.  On Sunday in church we sang the song “Mighty to Save.”  The chorus says, “Savior, He can move the mountains.  My God is mighty to save.  He is mighty to save.”  For the first time, I considered that I might be the mountain that needs to be moved.

In other words, perhaps I am so rooted in my current position that I am the biggest obstacle standing in my way.  I do not like change very much.  If one makes a suggestion after I complain, I am very likely to respond with a “yes, but..”  Yes, getting up earlier so I can add some time to my day would be a good idea, but I’m so tired.  Yes, writing a book is something I would love to do, but I’m so busy.  Yes, I should exercise, but I don’t have the energy.  I am a mountain in the way of my own improvement, of my spiritual growth, and often, of my happiness.

I believe that God can move mountains.  I believe He can heal the sick and wounded, restore the alcoholic, and bring joy to the mourner.  And while I can truly believe Him capable of all these things, I can still deny His power in my own life.  I claim to be a mountain too big for Him to move.  Moses stood before a talking bush on fire that did not burn up, and told God he stuttered so he could not be the man to go talk to Pharaoh.  The rich man who had diligently kept all the commandments his whole life, “went away sad” when Jesus told him to sell his possessions to the poor.

When I pray for God to heal the ailing, help the needy, comfort the mourning, and protect the endangered, I do not doubt His ability to work that miracle.  But when I pray for my own weaknesses (if I even pray about them at all), I have nagging doubts in my mind of whether it is even possible for me to become more patient, more organized, more thoughtful, more willing.  Why does the mountain seem so much bigger when it is me?  I suppose it is because I know myself and my limitations; my habits of being easily discouraged and distracted.  That is who I am, but it is not who I am in Christ- “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7).”

There are days where I feel like there is no power in me… and those are the days that I have given myself over to laziness and self-loathing, spending idle time with the devil.  God does not often reveal His power in a person when they are warming the couch cushions.  His power is revealed in those who start moving in His Name.  A sledgehammer is not very powerful lying on the ground, but if you pick it up and start swinging, you reveal its capabilities.

God can move mountains, even if that mountain is me.  I have some major moving to do in my life, but I will not be going anywhere without the power of God behind me.  I can not continue to be the mountain in the way of God’s power in my life.  How about you?    

One of the greatest blessings of having children or being with children is experiencing the joy of childhood all over again.  This morning I had the pleasure of spending time with my nephew,  who will soon be ten years old.  We had walked to a park with the girls and while the girls were playing on the swings, my nephew and I discovered that the pea gravel that blanketed the park was a never-ending discovery of fossils and cool rocks.  We were on hands and knees for the next hour, imaginations taking us to long-ago days.

Our excitement grew with each find.  We daydreamed about exploring landscapes more exotic than the local playground and my nephew shared his interest of being an archeologist if he does not become a professional baseball player.  My pockets were weighted down with rocks that we could not bear to leave behind to be ignored and trampled.  It was questionable whom was enjoying the exploration more.  Unwillingly, we had to go back home for the girls were now hungry and confused with Mommy exclaiming over rocks we never took notice of before.

Reclaiming the reality of motherhood, we walked home and made lunch, but my heart was light with the joy of childhood.  Those days of building forts in the woods, pretending to be pioneers, and imagining the possibility of the world’s next greatest archeological find being in my backyard are long-gone for me, but they were re-awakened this morning.  It takes a child sometimes for us adults to really behold the intricacies of the world around us that God created for us to behold His Glory.

This morning really has me thinking how, as adults, we so often only allow ourself to be mildly amused with the awesome.  In a world where the computers of six months ago are ancient technology, and the ease of all our needs are within our grasp, it can be challenging to find ourselves in awe of the complexities of our own bodies, our ecosystem, and the treasures in our backyard.  Isn’t that the beauty of our children?  The discoveries that are overlooked by the busy, responsible adult are treasured by our youth for good reason.  It is the fuel for their imagination and their potential.  How exciting it is to consider that my nephew’s interest in a few rocks at a park could ignite a future archeologist!

I think an unfortunate result of the American way of life is our ability to easily become disinterested with the marvelous when the next big thing comes along, and that spills over in our relationship with a God Who is the same yesterday, today and forever.  But perhaps the struggle is not all that new.  David wrote a Psalm that is regularly used in the Lutheran liturgy that would indicate he struggled with remembering to take joy in the work of God.  In Psalm 51:12 David prays, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation…”  It would do us well to pray this often.

There are times when I am sitting in church and what I hear has been said before or fails to intrigue me, and my mind begins to drift.  Oh for shame that I do not marvel anew at the work of my God!  God’s Word is awe-inspiring every time- my disinterest is a chosen state of mind.  Has salvation grown old to you?  I will confess it sadly has to me many times.  I must be reminded that the work God has done in me, in my family, and in my friends is worthy of a joy that is fresh every morning.

Though He is an unchanging God and His Word remains today as it was thousands of years ago, the possibilities of my God- His mercies, His miracles, His wisdom- are new to me every morning.  Take a moment today, tomorrow, for a lifetime, to find joy in the miraculous He is working in you everyday!